Explaining autism to brothers and sisters, and supporting them

How does having an autistic brother or sister affect siblings?

It is a mix of good and hard. Most siblings love their autistic brother or sister and get on well, and many also have difficult times that deserve support.

• Sibs, the UK charity for siblings of disabled people, says "Most siblings have warm and positive relationships with their brothers and sisters who are disabled or have additional needs", and that most also have times of feeling angry, sad or jealous (Sibs).
• A 2019 review combined 69 groups of siblings of autistic people. Overall, the difference from comparison groups was small. On average, siblings had somewhat more anxiety, low mood and social difficulties, less positive sibling relationships, and more negative beliefs about disability. There were no differences in adjustment, coping, attention, disruptive behaviour or family functioning. The authors recommend including siblings in family support (Shivers et al. 2019).
• Siblings often go unnoticed. In a Sibs survey of over 200 siblings aged 5 to 16, launched in September 2023, 74% "didn't receive any help from school to support them as a sibling" (Sibs).

A small average difference means many siblings do well, while some need extra help of their own.

When should I tell brothers and sisters about autism?

Tell them early, at around the time of diagnosis, and keep talking as they grow. Sibs advises telling siblings "at the time of diagnosis", and says "At the age of about seven, many siblings start asking questions" (Sibs).

A few things make it easier:

• Agree the words as a family. Sibs says "Siblings get very confused when different family members say different things about disability" (Sibs). Ask grandparents and other relatives to use the same simple explanation.
• Include your autistic child where you can. It is their information too. Our guide to telling your child they are autistic covers how to talk with them first.
• Check what has sunk in. In interviews with 63 siblings, understanding of autism grew with age, but parents "tended to overestimate" how well siblings understood its impact (Glasberg 2000). Ask them to explain it back in their own words.

If you are still waiting for an assessment, you can talk about what their brother or sister finds hard and what helps, and add the word autism later.

What can I say to brothers and sisters at each age?

Use short, concrete words that match what they see at home, then add more as they ask. There is little research on exact wording, so treat these as starting points and swap in your own family's details.

The first example is Sibs' own suggestion for children under 6 (Sibs). The NHS says autism "is something you're born with" and "it's not an illness" (NHS). Flapping and other stimming can be calming or enjoyable, and the NHS advises not trying to change how an autistic child behaves unless it is harmful (NHS).

Sibs also suggests story books about disabled children and their siblings, a question box on top of the fridge, looking up good websites together with older siblings, and helping each child find "a short and easy sentence" for other children (Sibs). For example: "My sister is autistic. Busy places are hard for her."

If your autistic child uses signs, pictures or a talking device (AAC), teach brothers and sisters some of them. A 2025 study of key word signing in primary schools noted that signing only works as communication when the people around a child understand and use it too (O'Leary et al. 2025).

How do I keep things fair when my autistic child needs so much attention?

Fair does not have to mean the same. It means each child gets what they need, and every child gets some of you.

• Protect one-to-one time. Sibs says "even short moments can help them feel valued and secure" (Sibs). Ten minutes at bedtime, or a regular trip for just the two of you, counts.
• Let them have their feelings. Jealousy and anger are common and allowed. Try "It's really annoying when he knocks your tower down" before explaining why it happened.
• Keep some rules the same for everyone, such as no hurting, and give siblings a safe place for precious things.
• Limit their caring role. Sibs suggests limiting the care and responsibility young siblings take on, and what they overhear about their brother or sister's needs, because "They will be listening" (Sibs).

If a younger child starts copying meltdowns or other behaviour, Sibs says this is usually how young children learn, or a bid for attention. Show the behaviour you want instead. Its example: "Your brother bangs his head because words are hard for him; when you are upset you can use your words to tell me" (Sibs). If either child bangs their head or hurts themselves, see our guide to hitting, biting and head-banging for when to get medical help.

Having an autistic brother or sister is one of the factors NICE lists as linked with a higher chance of autism. If you have other worries about a younger child's development, talk to your health visitor or GP, and see our guide to signs of autism in young children.

What if my autistic child hits or hurts a brother or sister?

Keep everyone safe, comfort the hurt child first, and make a plan together. The sibling's feelings matter as much as understanding why it happened. Sibs advises these steps (Sibs):

1. Go to the hurt child straight away, comfort them and give any first aid needed.
2. Tell them you are sorry they are hurt, and that it must have been painful or frightening.
3. Once your autistic child is calm, tell them simply that hurting is not OK.
4. Make an emergency plan for times when things get out of control, so you and your other children know how to stay safe.

A plan might include a safe room your other children can go to, a code word that means "go there now", and who they can fetch or call. Then look for what set it off. Hitting can be a sign of distress, caused by things such as noise, pain, a change of plan or not being able to say something. NICE guideline CG170 says professionals should look for causes like these first when a child shows behaviour that challenges. Our guide to hitting, biting and head-banging explains how to find triggers and reduce risk.

Sibs also lists signs that a sibling may be struggling, including being teased or bullied, having problems at school, seeming very sad, angry or jealous, or not wanting to talk to you (Sibs).

Could my child be a young carer?

Possibly, if they regularly help to look after their brother or sister. The NHS says a young carer is under 18 and helps look after a relative with a disability or illness, which can include a brother or sister (NHS). Sibs puts it this way: a sibling doing care tasks "that really should be done by an adult" is a young carer (Sibs).

Helping out now and then is part of family life. Regular caring that cuts into sleep, homework or friendships is a sign to ask for support.

In England, the law gives young carers a right to an assessment:

• The council must assess a young carer's needs if it appears they may need support, or if the young carer or a parent asks (Children and Families Act 2014, section 96).
• The NHS says "If you or your parents request it, your local council must organise a young carer's assessment", and it must look at education, training, leisure and their views about the future (NHS).
• NICE says families of autistic children, including siblings, should be offered information and an assessment of their own needs.

To ask, contact your council's children's services, or talk to your GP or your child's headteacher. Local young carers services offer support, and Carers Trust has a UK network of them (see our help page).

How can brothers and sisters play together?

Keep it short, fun and optional, built around games your autistic child already enjoys. A sibling is a playmate, not a helper or a therapist.

1. Choose a people game that fits what your autistic child likes, such as chasing, swinging or songs. People games are "simple, interactive games played without toys" (Hanen).
2. Give the sibling one simple job: offer a turn, wait, or copy what their brother or sister does.
3. Make turns clear with words ("my turn, your turn") or a picture.
4. Stop while it is still fun, and thank the sibling without making them responsible.

Playing side by side counts. Some children "prefer to play on their own or alongside other kids", and watching from nearby can be "a great first step" (Hanen). Our guide to playing with your autistic child has more ideas.

Where can brothers and sisters get support?

Siblings can get support from Sibs, young carers services, school, the GP and Childline. A 2026 review of 12 studies found sibling support groups "feasible and acceptable", with reported benefits including better understanding and friendships with other siblings (Kaur et al. 2026).

For older siblings and adults, Sibs has collected stories from 20 adult siblings of autistic people (Autism: The Sibling Perspective). Looking after yourself matters too: see our guide to stress, respite and short breaks.